Assertiveness Skills - The Art of Saying No

自信培训

A lot of people just don't like the idea of having to tell people they can't do something.

Or they feel obligated when a colleague asks for a favour; or feel pressured when someone senior to them needs something done.

There are even some workplaces where saying no is definitely frowned upon; and in, say, the police force could be a sackable or disciplinary offence.

When 'No' Feels Impossible

After having worked for some time with people for whom saying no either feels impossible or just isn't allowed, we created a body of work to address it.

In some cases, it is indeed, how to say no without ever saying the word.

Of course, there are times when saying the 'n' word is a necessity.

但在我们的经验中，围绕使用它的可能后果有如此多的焦虑，人们根本不会说什么，或者同意他们宁愿没有的东西，或者与不是他们的工作降落上。

自信培训That Will Change Your Life!

The Consequence of Not Being Assertive

You could end up staying late at the end of the day
在完成所有其他人之后，你会把自己的工作推迟
You might swallow your resentment after being 'volunteered' for something you didn't want to do
You may quake at the idea of having to be a bit tougher with a supplier
You probably avoid difficult conversations with someone you manage

This is one issue we have felt so passionately about that, we even wrote a book that deals with it:

The Nice Factor Book (Are you too Nice for your own good?)

This document is going to focus on one aspect of that book, which is about how to say no in a way that's manageable, deals with the difficult feelings and actually might be some fun.

对于更深入的外观，请在这本书中偷看。

It's Not Assertiveness

Impact Factory has been running programmes on The Art of Saying No for nearly seven years and we are often asked what the difference is between our work and自信培训.

The reason we've been asked this is that assertiveness training has been around for some time, and people wonder if this art of saying no business isn't just more of the same.

好吧，不，不是，这就是为什么。

We believe the very term 'assertiveness' is limiting. For instance, people say you should be assertive rather than aggressive as if assertiveness is the only way to deal with a difficult situation.

It isn't. If you are being attacked or abused, then aggressively fighting back may well be an appropriate thing to do. The key word here is appropriate.

Become More Assertive in Just Two Days!

Assertive or Aggressive

So yes, aggressiveness may be appropriate, assertiveness may be appropriate, but there's a greater range of choice of behaviour than those two types that could be equally appropriate.

Before we discuss them, though, we want to talk about some of the things that happen to people when what they think and feel is different from what they do.

Many 'unassertive' people recognise that their pattern of behaviour is to be nice or compliant for far longer than they really want to.

他们会等到他们达到不再能够坚持的地方;然后他们疯狂地爆炸，并不恰当地遍布谁碰巧周围。

There are three ways this 'explosion' can happen:

首先是愤怒发生在头部内并保持不动形。

The second is that it is inappropriately expressed, and someone not involved, like a work colleague or secretary or even a bus conductor, becomes the recipient.

The third is properly directed at the 'offending party' but is out of all proportion to the probably small, but nonetheless final-straw-event that unleashes it.

Learn to be More Assertiveness Quickly and Easily!

不好不讨厌

这让人们留下了印象，即他们只有两个州或行为可以做到：漂亮或讨厌。事实上，他们忘记了一系列的行为，这些行为可以在漂亮和讨厌之间被称为不佳（甚至不讨厌）。

我们以自信所看到的是什么，这通常被视为一种单一的行为形式：

拒绝吧
Stand your ground
Be a broken record

This is quite difficult if you are truly unassertive, or in our jargon - simply too nice for your own good.

Asserting Yourself

The concept of asserting yourself:

让你的声音听到
Being understood
考虑到
Getting your own way

This needs to be broadened to include all forms of behaviour.

It can include humour:

Submission
Irresponsibility
Manipulation
乐趣
Aggressiveness

Thekeypoint here is thatthe behaviour - nice, not-nice, nasty - is chosen.

We emphasise the wordkeybecause until people are able to choose behaviour that's free from the limiting effects of their fear of possible consequences, they will not be able to act.

No matter how well they are taught to be assertive, they will stillfeel overwhelmed in difficult situations.

Free Yourself From Unwanted Demands in Just Two Days!

Managing Feelings

It needs to be acknowledged that the strong feelings associated with changing behaviour are real and valid.

Once people do that, then these (usually difficult) feelings can be looked upon as a good thing, a sign that something new is happening.

At this point, people can start to 'choose' to have these feelings rather than having to endure them or trying to pretend they are not happening.

The idea of choice is very important. If people feel they have a real choice about how they behave, they start to realise that it can be OK to put up with something they don't like.

自信培训That Will Change Your Life!

Active Choosing

他们可以选择它，因为他们想要;这是他们的优势。然后他们避免了令人发挥的暴政总是不得不断言自己。（这几乎和你总是必须符合要求或善良的感觉一样糟糕。）

许多人认为为了自信，你需要忽视你的感受，只是“站在你的地上”。事实上，你忽略了你危险的人。

Often the magnitude of peoples' feelings is way out of proportion to what the situation warrants. They may well reflect a previous difficult event more accurately. But because that previous difficulty was so difficult, it feels as though every similar situation will be the same.

Become More Assertive in Just Two Days!

说没有的艺术

It is only by beginning to experience and understand how crippling these feelings can be that people can start to do anything about changing their behaviour.

Many people know what they could say; they know what they could do. Most 'unassertive' people have conversations in their heads about how to resolve a conflict they're in; but still, their mouths say 'yes', while their heads say 'no'. Knowing what to do or say is not the issue here.

因此，在寻找练习'说不“的艺术时，拓宽简短是明智的，这样它就不是变得更加自信;相反，它是关于改变你的行为来满足这种情况。

While in many circumstances assertiveness can be a straightjacket of its own (often creating resistance and resentment), the full lexicon of behaviour can be freeing, because there is a choice in the matter.

使用魅力，幽默，讲述真相甚至故意操纵，可能会让你想要你想要的东西，而无需尝试可能反对你的个性的行为。

If you add a dash of fun or mischief, The Art of Saying No becomes a doable prospect, rather than another difficult mountain to climb.

Learn to be More Assertiveness Quickly and Easily!

更简单的方式说不

以下是可以让“否”更容易的七个提示。

1. Smile

如果你说的话是严重的，请注意你是否微笑。微笑给出了混合信息，削弱了你所说的影响。

2. Stand Up

如果有人来到你的办公桌，你想要看起来更充电，站起来。当你在手机时也有效。站在甚至是眼睛水平，造成心理优势。

3. Still Your Body Language

如果有人坐下并开始与你谈论他们想要的东西，避免鼓励身体语言，例如点头和哈斯。保持您的肢体语言尽可能依赖。

4. Avoid Asking Questions

Avoid asking questions that would indicate you're interested (such as, 'When do you need it by?' or 'Does it really have to be done by this afternoon?' etc.)

5. Interrupt Them

中断完全是正确的！我们最喜欢的技术是沿着那条线说，'我真的很抱歉;我要打断你。然后使用任何工具适合这种情况。如果你让别人在没有中断的情况下让他们的整个说法，他们可以得到你感兴趣和愿意的印象。一直虽然他们没有消息相反，他们会认为你在船上有他们的计划（让你做任何......）

6. Pre-empt Them

As soon as you see someone bearing down on you (and your heart sinks because you know they're going to ask for something), let them know you know: 'Hi there! I know what you want. You're going to ask me to finish the Henderson report. Wish I could help you out, but I just can't.'

7. Pre-empt at Meetings

会议是一个很棒的地方，你不想要的工作。你可以看到它来了。因此，为了避免不可避免的，先发制人，“我需要让每个人都在顶部了解，即我无法将其他任何事情融入接下来的两周（或其他）的时间表。”

Any of these little tips can help you feel more confident and will support your new behaviour. For that's what this is: If you're someone whom others know they can take advantage (they may not even be doing it on purpose, you're just an easy mark!) you need to indicate by what you do that things have changed.

Free Yourself From Unwanted Demands in Just Two Days!

Here's an Analogy we use in The Nice Factor Book:

Let's say you're a burglar. There's a row of identical houses and you're thinking of having a go at five of them.

The first house has a Yale lock on the front door.
The second house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door.
The third house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door and bars on the window.
The fourth house has a Yale and a Chubb lock on the front door, bars on the window and burglar alarm.
第五个房子有耶鲁大学和鲦鱼b lock on the front door, bars on the window, a burglar alarm and a Rottweiler.

Which would you burgle?

When you make it easy for other people, they will naturally keep coming back.

By learning more effective ways of saying 'no' you make it harder for others to expect you to do what they want without taking into account what's going on for you. You become more burglar-proof.

自信培训That Will Change Your Life!

Changing Others by Changing Yourself

A lot of us wish that the person we are in conflict with or feel intimidated by would change.

Then everything would be all right. We've all heard this from a colleague, friend, partner and even said it ourselves: 'If only he'd listen to me, then I wouldn't be so frightened.' 'If only she'd stop complaining about my work, I'd be much happier.'

'If only' puts the onus on the other person to change how and who they are and makes them responsible for how we feel.

By using some of the tools outlined above, people can get a sense of being in charge of situations, rather than being victims to what other people want.

It does seem to be part of human nature to blame others when things go wrong in our lives, or when we're feeling hard done by.

If you take away the 'if only' excuse you also take away the need to blame and make the other person wrong. It's also rather wonderful to think that rather than waiting for someone else to change to make things all right, we all have the ability to take charge of most situations and make them all right for ourselves.

还有什么可以让更容易的是，我们所有人都必须在'说不“的”艺术“;我们都不要改变我们的整个人格，以创造更令人满意的结果！

Become More Assertive in Just Two Days!